My name is…

My name is Magdalena, and I’m a recovering addict and alcoholic.

Wednesday is my first real year of being clean and sober. Could never quite get past six months and some change before. It’s taken me a while to be able to admit that. Seems so silly now. 

My ex is giving me a cake on this Wednesday, though he doesn’t know that yet. He left because of my relapse. Took me a lot of pain and time to realize he hadn’t abandoned me… no, it was not his time to be there. It was time for him to love me from afar. 

Don’t know where the two of us are headed. A real strange thing, approaching an ex with such a strong familiarity, but at the same time with butterflies as if you’ve just met someone new. That’s something I never thought I’d experience.

These are the gifts of recovery: perspective, fresh experiences. It’s cliche, but they’re right. It’s an inside job. Once you start working on all that inside stuff, and your perspective shifts, it colors everything around you. Life is no longer unbearable or something to avoid. It’s a book of adventure, and you can’t turn the pages fast enough.

And I’ve only got a year… I can’t imagine what another year will bring.


Lost Moon

#breakup # recovery #narcoticsanonymous #lostlove         #stephaniemeyer

“I was like a lost moon – my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation – that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.” 

 – Stephanie Meyer, New Moon

I remember reading this to myself when I first met my ex. I thought to myself that I’d feel this way if he ever left, but not truly. In the midst of the days when I heavily imbibed, I was trying to figure out what I was even doing with him. But I stayed. Got attached. So as I sit here now, truer words couldn’t be spoken. 

Do I hate myself that much? Do I so love pain? My sponsor told me I use my ex as a stick to beat myself with. It’s a big stick.

It’s been over a year. We reconnected very briefly, all friendly, not too long ago. I quickly realized that I couldn’t deal. He made no pretense of seeing other women. “Seeing” other women means sleeping with them, and not much else. Am I surprised? He had told me in the beginning, shortly after we met, that because he’d lost a ton of weight and got clean, his goal had been to sleep with 500 women. Apparently after we split, going back to this seemed like a better solution to his spiritual problems than using his new found freedom to return to his fourth step. 

You don’t have to tell me how pathetic I am. It’s just that somehow, no amount of logic seems to make the pain of loss subside.

It didn’t feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I’d grown strong enough to bear it.” 

-Stephanie Myer, New Moon

What can I say? I really thought I found the one. I told him how invisible I’d always felt; he told me he saw me . He told me I was the love of his life, to my parents! I was his best friend, made for him. He wanted to buy me a promise ring. The last year of our relationship was bad. He sent me a text towards the end saying his program was lacking, he’d been an ass, he loved me and wanted to show me I was a priority. I’m still waiting.

Somehow after shattering my heart and dreams, he actually expects to just be buddies now. So I can watch him clap his hands, throw his head back, and laugh at how awesome it was when his last girlfriend Naired her arms for him. It’s like being demoted from CEO to the janitor. 

I guess I let him back into my life because I hoped there was something there to salvage. When a man, however, tells you he has commitment issues, isn’t looking for a relationship, that he had wanted to leave you for eight months before you guys broke up, and tells you he just had a date, all in the vicinity of a couple of weeks, that’s pretty much a case of he’s just not that into you. It doesn’t help when he’s sat on his fourth step for two years and barely talks to his sponsor.

After I told him that we clearly weren’t on the same page and I couldn’t do the friends thing, he responded with a “Wait, no. Not again.” Not again? Wasn’t he the one who dumped me? He said he didn’t want me to be gone. I am the most trustworthy and wonderful woman he’s ever met! Then finally well hey, how about he contact me after he finishes his fourth step?

Are we talking two months or two years?

I never responded. Stupidly, I proceeded to block and unblock him on Instagram a couple of times. Every single time he’d start following me again, and leaving comments. Today I’d had it. I broke down in tears, sitting in my car in the parking lot next to Kohl’s. I just can’t deal. 

Bottom line is this: I’m the girl who always makes excuses for guys. The reality is, he ain’t here holding my hand. He’s not making sure to not let this trustworthy and wonderful woman get away. He hasn’t done anything to show me I’m a priority. 

Few in my life have made me feel so undervalued and discarded. So why be friends?  I wanted a relationship, all he wanted to do was screw. There was no real relationship to begin with, if I’m being perfectly honest. Even he’d admitted he was a crappy boyfriend for the last half of our relationship. So where, pray tell, is this friendship supposed to come from? How am I supposed to be friends with someone who has little integrity, doesn’t measure the weight of his words and the impact they have on others, and seems to care so little about my feelings on the matter of “us.”

I concentrated on my hopeless proposition to keep from sliding back into the excruciating memories.”

-Stephanie Myer, New Moon 

Excruciating memories. I can’t do this again, God. Please don’t allow this to happen to me again. 

I am not Belle. I could not lift the enchantment and break the spell, could not turn the selfish Beast into a loving Prince. 

So I blocked him, yet again. It has to stay that way now. I view my world from a keyhole at the moment, and I know it is so much bigger than that. 

So, I work a question a day on my fourth step. I’ve started writing a gratitude list everyday this week. I’m doing affirmations daily. Apparently it’s supposed to rewire your brain. That’s all I know how to do. In the meantime, at least I can empathize with Bella Swann. I even kind of have a Jacob. But not exactly. And my Edward isn’t coming back. Unless he never was my Edward to begin with…

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.”

Stephanie Myer,  New Moon

In Limbo

It’s about four days until I celebrate my first year. Is it normal to feel this way? Every morning I wake up, my stomach is full of butterflies. Or knots. I can’t tell. I don’t know what to do with myself.

I took the whole week off. I requested it back in December. I have plenty of things scheduled. I’m going to go over my first and second steps with my sponsor Monday and Tuesday night. I’m hanging out with people, and I have plenty of meetings to go to, family and friends invited. It’s different from last year, when I took a cake for my “first” year. I couldn’t schedule it somehow. This year I have so many friends coming…

Anyway, it’s the time in between. I’m restless, lazy, and nervous. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unhappy. It’s not bad. Everything is actually perfectly fine. Nonetheless, I want to enjoy this week off, but at the same time I just want the week and the cakes and the speeches to be over with. 

Some of it’s my ex. Reconnecting was so strange. Our conversation was deep and emotional, open and honest. I still love him. I just want to wrap my arms around him and never let go. But he’s still got some stuff to work out, and I need to work through my fourth step. Plus I honestly have no idea what’s going through his mind in so far as the two of us are concerned. It took me about six days to feel like myself again since I met with him Sunday.

He took Wednesday off so he could come see me take a cake on my actual clean date. I’ll see him that day. Until then, I just feel in limbo. 

I’m just uncomfortable. Maybe I’m uncomfortable with being comfortable. Sure I have challenges: a piece of my tooth cracked off, the dentist still hasn’t billed me for the root canal on that very tooth, I have a cell phone ticket to pay, there’s the dermatologist bill (I’ve got a dermatofibroma??). I’m always worried about my car. It needs a new catalytic converter come summer. But this is standard stuff. Nothing new. I’ve got the funds. 

Just have to sit in the uncomfortableness. Just make it through the next three or four days, and I’m golden. 

God’s got me.